God is enough. This is not a stereotypical line of encouragement like it sounds, it is a truth that I am clinging to more and more these days. My husband and I have been trying to conceive a child for about five and a half years now and there are times it starts to weigh heavy on my heart. I want nothing more than to be a mother and to raise a house full of children who love the Lord. I long to hold a baby in my arms and inhale his/her sweet baby scent as I rock them to sleep. It would mean the world to me to feel tiny fingers wrap around mine. All of these feelings are amplified when I see my friends who have been married less than half the amount of time as me having multiple children. They are not feelings of bitterness and I would never wish for others to go through what we have, but underneath the joy I feel for my friends there lies heartache and questions. Will I ever have a child of my own? Will I ever hear a sweet voice say the word I covet to hear, "mom"?
This week has been particularly hard. All week I have been seeing images of orphaned children suffering in the wake of the earthquake in Haiti. My heart breaks for these children and it is so hard to watch knowing that we could offer at least one or two of them a loving home. We have been listening closely to find out if there will be a way to adopt one of these precious children, but we heard that due to the lack of government in Haiti adoptions were being put on hold. So we resigned ourselves to prayer and sharing of our financial resources. In addition to all the sweet children that need homes in Haiti, we found out this week that 3 couples we know are expecting children. It has been a lot to swallow in one week. During my quiet time on Wednesday I sat in my house alone, enveloped by its emptiness, and poured out my heart to God. I felt the comfort of His presence near me as I shared my breaking heart with Him. When I had composed myself enough to spend some time in the Word I began with my devotional reading for the day. As I read, I could feel God's love drawing me near. It was as if He had penned the verse and devotional just to comfort me in my situation.
"Sorrow is God's tool to plow the depths of the soul, that it may yield richer harvests...It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others."
- Streams in the Desert by: L.B. Cowman
God gave me exactly what I needed in that moment. He gave me the strength to continue my day and He wrapped me in His love showering me in compassion. Last night I was sharing this as a prayer request when a friend of mine told me she had heard on CNN that adoptions in Haiti were being expedited because of the dire circumstances. She told me they stated that an adopting couple could possibly have a child in two weeks time. Even while I was skeptical of what I was hearing my heart leapt inside my chest. A baby in two weeks? It had to be too good to be true, but CNN is a reliable source for information so I allowed a spark of hope ignite inside of me. I called Robert as I drove home and relayed to him what I had been told and we agreed that we were both on the same page and would love to give a Haitian orphan a loving home. As I travelled home, I knew the first thing I would do upon entering the house would be to substantiate the information I had been given. I reminded myself that it was not likely true, but that tiny spark quickly grew into a fire of excitement that raced through me. My mind was all over the place. All we would need to purchase immediately would be a crib, or maybe not even a crib if we got a child that was a little bit older, and a car seat and diapers. The rest of the items we could get one piece at a time after we got the child home. What would we name him or her? It would need to be a strong name, because the child would be strong having survived the devastation in Haiti. Finally, after what seemed like a two hour car ride I pulled in my driveway. As I walked in the front door I placed my purse and Bible on the table and made a beeline to my computer and within 45 seconds that fire of hope and excitement was extinguished. The truth was what I had thought in the beginning, all adoptions from Haiti were being put on hold. To make matters worse I read that even in normal circumstances Haiti requires that adopting couples be married for 10 years (strike one) and be between the ages of 35-55 (strike two). The comfort I had felt earlier in the day was gone so quickly. The words I read had snuffed out my hope.
When I am walking through circumstances that are painful I am always brought back to the questions "Is God enough for you? Is Christ's death on the cross for my sins enough?" If I stop and think about this I know the answer. Yes, God is more than enough for me. Nothing can replace the joy I find in Him. Christ dying on the cross has allowed me to truly live, how could I take that for granted? I can't. I have to keep my focus on God and on His love for me. God is sovereign and has a plan for me and His plan is perfect. I know God is molding me into the person He desires me to be and I need to be willing to not just walk through the pain that results from the Refiner's fire, but to walk through the fire with joy and praising God. I am so thankful that God has given me a desire to follow Him no matter what circumstances He allows to come my way. I am thankful that He loves me enough to pick me up when I stumble along the way. I am thankful that my Savior knows the pain that comes from suffering and has compassion on me when my heart is breaking. Yes, my God is enough. He is more than enough.
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -Romans 5:1-5 ESV
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Cookie Recipe Exchange!!
Christmas is just around the corner and one thing I love to do at this time of year is bake. There is something about the smell of fresh baked goods that makes a house seem more homey. Since there are only two of us in our house I tend to make cute little gift packages and give away the majority of the things that come out of my oven, otherwise I would have one unhealthy husband! Cookies work particularly well for gift packages because they travel well and there are so many varieties. I love to mix and match colors, textures and flavors that way each package is sure to contain cookies even the pickiest eater will enjoy. I am always on the lookout for new recipes to try and I am so pleased that Jessica at The Mom Creative is hosting a cookie recipe exchange. There are a lot of fantastic recipes being exchanged, some of which I have never seen before so if you still need to do some Christmas baking you should definitely check it out!
Chocolate-Almond Meringues
3 egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/3 cup caster sugar
3/4 teaspoon almond extract
2 ounces semisweet chocolate, finely chopped
Preheat oven to 250 degrees
Beat egg whites and cream of tartar until foamy
Add sugar and almond extract and beat (for about 3 minutes) until meringues form soft peaks
Gently fold chocolate into meringues
Use a pastry bag to pipe meringues onto parchment paper covered baking sheet, each should be about a tablespoon
Bake for 40 minutes
Remove from oven and cool completely before removing parchment paper (this is very important)
Store in an airtight container
Chocolate-Almond Meringues
3 egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/3 cup caster sugar
3/4 teaspoon almond extract
2 ounces semisweet chocolate, finely chopped
Preheat oven to 250 degrees
Beat egg whites and cream of tartar until foamy
Add sugar and almond extract and beat (for about 3 minutes) until meringues form soft peaks
Gently fold chocolate into meringues
Use a pastry bag to pipe meringues onto parchment paper covered baking sheet, each should be about a tablespoon
Bake for 40 minutes
Remove from oven and cool completely before removing parchment paper (this is very important)
Store in an airtight container
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A Lesson in Waiting
Hmm...when I started this blog I intended on writing more frequently but that hasn't worked out how I planned. So I am back at it and this time I am going to try and blog on a more regular basis. So much has happened since the last time I wrote, it would be impossible for me to write about all of it right now so I won't even attempt that!
One thing I will mention is that we have had an ongoing prayer request answered!! We have been praying and waiting for Robert to have the opportunity to have a 1st shift job for six years and God has answered our prayer! He not only provided Robert with a 1st shift job, but provided him with the BEST 1st shift job that the plant offers (three consecutive days off a week, two of which are weekdays)!! Having weekdays off may not sound ideal, but it is perfect for us considering I am slightly weirded out by large crowds of people. With this schedule we will, for the first time in our almost 6 year marriage, be able to sit down to dinner together. That may seem like a small thing, but it has been really hard for me to not have a traditional home-life. Of course, we have adjusted and made our own "normal" schedule for living, but it wasn't an easy schedule and it offered us hardly any time together. I am so thankful God has provided us with this long awaited change.
In the midst of answered prayers such as the aforementioned, hindsight often gives me the opportunity to look at how I handled myself while waiting on the Lord. When in the middle of the waiting period, or the desert journey it is so easy to get discouraged and maybe even pout at times about how things aren't going the way I would like. It is so easy to fall into the line of thinking that we can make better choices for ourselves than God can and that if we were the author of our lives things would just be better. As I write that it makes me cringe because it could not be a bigger LIE! It is that lie coupled with pride that led to the fall of man and yet we still struggle with it so often. I am thankful that God forgives and that we can trust that He really does provide for us what is best in His timing. It is my prayer that I can meditate on this truth more often when I get discouraged about how things are going.
" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " - Jeremiah 29:11-13
One thing I will mention is that we have had an ongoing prayer request answered!! We have been praying and waiting for Robert to have the opportunity to have a 1st shift job for six years and God has answered our prayer! He not only provided Robert with a 1st shift job, but provided him with the BEST 1st shift job that the plant offers (three consecutive days off a week, two of which are weekdays)!! Having weekdays off may not sound ideal, but it is perfect for us considering I am slightly weirded out by large crowds of people. With this schedule we will, for the first time in our almost 6 year marriage, be able to sit down to dinner together. That may seem like a small thing, but it has been really hard for me to not have a traditional home-life. Of course, we have adjusted and made our own "normal" schedule for living, but it wasn't an easy schedule and it offered us hardly any time together. I am so thankful God has provided us with this long awaited change.
In the midst of answered prayers such as the aforementioned, hindsight often gives me the opportunity to look at how I handled myself while waiting on the Lord. When in the middle of the waiting period, or the desert journey it is so easy to get discouraged and maybe even pout at times about how things aren't going the way I would like. It is so easy to fall into the line of thinking that we can make better choices for ourselves than God can and that if we were the author of our lives things would just be better. As I write that it makes me cringe because it could not be a bigger LIE! It is that lie coupled with pride that led to the fall of man and yet we still struggle with it so often. I am thankful that God forgives and that we can trust that He really does provide for us what is best in His timing. It is my prayer that I can meditate on this truth more often when I get discouraged about how things are going.
" 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' " - Jeremiah 29:11-13
Monday, October 13, 2008
The Beauty of Surrender
Last week, a dear friend of mine made the decision to be baptized. This decision was not come upon hastily, nor did it come without a barrage of questions and an uncomfortable look at her heart. You see, she grew up the child of a pastor in a loving home and came to Christ at the age of nine, at which time she was baptized. Years later feeling the knock of God on her heart she started to feel a prompting to be baptized but it simply didn't make since to her she had already been baptized. It wasn't as if she believed that her baptism as a child was illegitimate or anything of that sort. She couldn't figure out what the feeling was all about and the knocking and prodding at her heart wouldn't cease no matter how much she researched the matter and no matter how much she prayed about it. After months of wrestling she came to the conclusion that God wanted more from her. He wanted ALL of her. He wanted her to humbly submit to His will no matter how what the cost. And so, she was baptized again, simply because God wanted her to.
I write about this because being witness to it has been a special thing for me. There is nothing more beautiful and more convicting than watching God work so intimately in the life of someone you love. Watching this story unfold has caused me to closely examine my walk with Christ on not only a deeper level, but from a different angle. Flipping the autopilot switch with regards to life has sadly become a commonplace among Americans these days, even with devout well-meaning Christians. Have you ever left your house to drive somewhere and found yourself arriving at your destination only to realize you don't consciously remember ANY of your journey from point A to point B? Scary, right? Today we have people who will make our coffee (thanks Starbucks), our meals (whether it be from a restaurant or pre-made grocery meals), buses to take our children to school, maid services, lawn services, you name it we can make a call someone and have it done for us. Life in our country has changed so much in just 50 short years. Wives used to stay home to raise the children, families sat down together at night to a home cooked meal together and (gasp) they talked about the events of their day. Family life revolved around the home and, for many, church. But today we are becoming increasingly "too busy" to live. Go ahead, google it and you will discover that Americans find themselves too busy to eat lunch, to take vacations, to vote, get adequate sleep, and our children are too busy for Sunday school (seriously? Our children's calendars are too booked for God, it's appalling). It has become easy to float through life without thinking about important things because we are "too busy".
Taking all of this into account, I am determined not to live my life on autopilot. God created us as living, breathing, feeling beings and that is how I want to live. Doing so will require sacrifice and pain, but the reward in the end is not measurable by human standards. If witnessing the work of God in a friend is such a thing of beauty, imagine what it would be like to be acutely aware of the work God is doing in your own life. I need God to break down any walls I have built and bring me to a place of complete surrender where I rely on Him alone. A place so close to Him that I can hear His whisper in my heart. I want to submit to Him wholly and trust Him with every area of my life, not just the comfortable ones. I want God to direct my path and I want to be coherent as I travel it, knowing that even when the path becomes rocky and curves in a direction I am not so comfortable with I can walk on in peace with confidence that the work He is doing in my life has beauty beyond what I can fathom in my humanness.
I write about this because being witness to it has been a special thing for me. There is nothing more beautiful and more convicting than watching God work so intimately in the life of someone you love. Watching this story unfold has caused me to closely examine my walk with Christ on not only a deeper level, but from a different angle. Flipping the autopilot switch with regards to life has sadly become a commonplace among Americans these days, even with devout well-meaning Christians. Have you ever left your house to drive somewhere and found yourself arriving at your destination only to realize you don't consciously remember ANY of your journey from point A to point B? Scary, right? Today we have people who will make our coffee (thanks Starbucks), our meals (whether it be from a restaurant or pre-made grocery meals), buses to take our children to school, maid services, lawn services, you name it we can make a call someone and have it done for us. Life in our country has changed so much in just 50 short years. Wives used to stay home to raise the children, families sat down together at night to a home cooked meal together and (gasp) they talked about the events of their day. Family life revolved around the home and, for many, church. But today we are becoming increasingly "too busy" to live. Go ahead, google it and you will discover that Americans find themselves too busy to eat lunch, to take vacations, to vote, get adequate sleep, and our children are too busy for Sunday school (seriously? Our children's calendars are too booked for God, it's appalling). It has become easy to float through life without thinking about important things because we are "too busy".
Taking all of this into account, I am determined not to live my life on autopilot. God created us as living, breathing, feeling beings and that is how I want to live. Doing so will require sacrifice and pain, but the reward in the end is not measurable by human standards. If witnessing the work of God in a friend is such a thing of beauty, imagine what it would be like to be acutely aware of the work God is doing in your own life. I need God to break down any walls I have built and bring me to a place of complete surrender where I rely on Him alone. A place so close to Him that I can hear His whisper in my heart. I want to submit to Him wholly and trust Him with every area of my life, not just the comfortable ones. I want God to direct my path and I want to be coherent as I travel it, knowing that even when the path becomes rocky and curves in a direction I am not so comfortable with I can walk on in peace with confidence that the work He is doing in my life has beauty beyond what I can fathom in my humanness.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Shuffled To Blessings
You know those moments when you are minding your own business just trying to get through your busy day as efficiently as possible and you have your iPod on shuffle to drown out the thoughts that keep bombarding you and you realize you are no longer listening to something safe like a song from your Eagles' Greatest Hits album, Jack Johnson (banana pancakes, anyone?) or some old (and by old I mean OLD, like 20 years before I was born OLD, don't laugh, I happen to love that musical generation!) country song but your iPod has shuffled you to a song that causes you to freeze. So now, you are standing frozen in the middle of your kitchen, broom in mid-stroke (thankful you are home alone with no one to witness your apparent sudden paralyzation) and a knot forms in your throat and you feel your eyes filling with tears. And you can do nothing but listen while salty tears cascade down your cheeks:
If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout
of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For me, for me, for me
("C.S. Lewis Song" By: Brooke Fraser)
It is in moments like these, when God makes His presence so undeniable, so unable to be ignored that I yearn for so much more of Him. He knows the heartaches of our flesh and hears the cries of our heart, though unspoken, as we parade around with a phony smile etched on our face. There is beauty in knowing that God will give you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it regardless of what plans we have for our life. Too often we get so caught up in what we want, in what we have planned, in what we need to do that we put on our cozy ear muffs and tell God we will get to what He wants when it is convenient for us. And yet He loves us enough to give us what we need, complete brokenness. The inability to even attempt to rely on anything but Him, the not-so-subtle reminder that we are absolutely nothing without Him. I am so thankful that God loves me enough to give me what my pride won't let me ask for. It is through this blessing of brokenness, through vision clouded with tears that I see my God, my Savior the most clearly and reflect on His words, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me" (Matthew 16:24) remembering that the cross we are to pick up daily isn't meant to be an instrument of burden, but an instrument of death. And so, it is my prayer that God humbles me daily when I pick up my cross and die to self, as I anxiously await His return.
If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout
of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For me, for me, for me
("C.S. Lewis Song" By: Brooke Fraser)
It is in moments like these, when God makes His presence so undeniable, so unable to be ignored that I yearn for so much more of Him. He knows the heartaches of our flesh and hears the cries of our heart, though unspoken, as we parade around with a phony smile etched on our face. There is beauty in knowing that God will give you exactly what you need, exactly when you need it regardless of what plans we have for our life. Too often we get so caught up in what we want, in what we have planned, in what we need to do that we put on our cozy ear muffs and tell God we will get to what He wants when it is convenient for us. And yet He loves us enough to give us what we need, complete brokenness. The inability to even attempt to rely on anything but Him, the not-so-subtle reminder that we are absolutely nothing without Him. I am so thankful that God loves me enough to give me what my pride won't let me ask for. It is through this blessing of brokenness, through vision clouded with tears that I see my God, my Savior the most clearly and reflect on His words, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me" (Matthew 16:24) remembering that the cross we are to pick up daily isn't meant to be an instrument of burden, but an instrument of death. And so, it is my prayer that God humbles me daily when I pick up my cross and die to self, as I anxiously await His return.
Journey of Faith...
So, I finally caved in and joined the blogging community. It is something I have considered and reconsidered over the past year or so. And here I am, preparing to chronicle the day to day happenings in my life; sharing my thoughts, my prayers, my joys, and the stirrings of my heart with you. Some of you I know, some of you I've never met but know you through a mutual friend, some of you may have found this blog by accident, or maybe it wasn't an accident, maybe God landed you here for some reason. Whomever you are and however you found yourself reading this, it is my prayer that you will be blessed by the contents of this page and that the words you read here bring glory to God.
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