God is Enough

God is enough. This is not a stereotypical line of encouragement like it sounds, it is a truth that I am clinging to more and more these days. My husband and I have been trying to conceive a child for about five and a half years now and there are times it starts to weigh heavy on my heart. I want nothing more than to be a mother and to raise a house full of children who love the Lord. I long to hold a baby in my arms and inhale his/her sweet baby scent as I rock them to sleep. It would mean the world to me to feel tiny fingers wrap around mine. All of these feelings are amplified when I see my friends who have been married less than half the amount of time as me having multiple children. They are not feelings of bitterness and I would never wish for others to go through what we have, but underneath the joy I feel for my friends there lies heartache and questions. Will I ever have a child of my own? Will I ever hear a sweet voice say the word I covet to hear, "mom"?

This week has been particularly hard. All week I have been seeing images of orphaned children suffering in the wake of the earthquake in Haiti. My heart breaks for these children and it is so hard to watch knowing that we could offer at least one or two of them a loving home. We have been listening closely to find out if there will be a way to adopt one of these precious children, but we heard that due to the lack of government in Haiti adoptions were being put on hold. So we resigned ourselves to prayer and sharing of our financial resources. In addition to all the sweet children that need homes in Haiti, we found out this week that 3 couples we know are expecting children. It has been a lot to swallow in one week. During my quiet time on Wednesday I sat in my house alone, enveloped by its emptiness, and poured out my heart to God. I felt the comfort of His presence near me as I shared my breaking heart with Him. When I had composed myself enough to spend some time in the Word I began with my devotional reading for the day. As I read, I could feel God's love drawing me near. It was as if He had penned the verse and devotional just to comfort me in my situation.

"Sorrow is God's tool to plow the depths of the soul, that it may yield richer harvests...It opens within us the capacities of the heavenly life, and it makes us willing to set our capacities afloat on a limitless sea of service for God and for others."
- Streams in the Desert by: L.B. Cowman

God gave me exactly what I needed in that moment. He gave me the strength to continue my day and He wrapped me in His love showering me in compassion. Last night I was sharing this as a prayer request when a friend of mine told me she had heard on CNN that adoptions in Haiti were being expedited because of the dire circumstances. She told me they stated that an adopting couple could possibly have a child in two weeks time. Even while I was skeptical of what I was hearing my heart leapt inside my chest. A baby in two weeks? It had to be too good to be true, but CNN is a reliable source for information so I allowed a spark of hope ignite inside of me. I called Robert as I drove home and relayed to him what I had been told and we agreed that we were both on the same page and would love to give a Haitian orphan a loving home. As I travelled home, I knew the first thing I would do upon entering the house would be to substantiate the information I had been given. I reminded myself that it was not likely true, but that tiny spark quickly grew into a fire of excitement that raced through me. My mind was all over the place. All we would need to purchase immediately would be a crib, or maybe not even a crib if we got a child that was a little bit older, and a car seat and diapers. The rest of the items we could get one piece at a time after we got the child home. What would we name him or her? It would need to be a strong name, because the child would be strong having survived the devastation in Haiti. Finally, after what seemed like a two hour car ride I pulled in my driveway. As I walked in the front door I placed my purse and Bible on the table and made a beeline to my computer and within 45 seconds that fire of hope and excitement was extinguished. The truth was what I had thought in the beginning, all adoptions from Haiti were being put on hold. To make matters worse I read that even in normal circumstances Haiti requires that adopting couples be married for 10 years (strike one) and be between the ages of 35-55 (strike two). The comfort I had felt earlier in the day was gone so quickly. The words I read had snuffed out my hope.

When I am walking through circumstances that are painful I am always brought back to the questions "Is God enough for you? Is Christ's death on the cross for my sins enough?" If I stop and think about this I know the answer. Yes, God is more than enough for me. Nothing can replace the joy I find in Him. Christ dying on the cross has allowed me to truly live, how could I take that for granted? I can't. I have to keep my focus on God and on His love for me. God is sovereign and has a plan for me and His plan is perfect. I know God is molding me into the person He desires me to be and I need to be willing to not just walk through the pain that results from the Refiner's fire, but to walk through the fire with joy and praising God. I am so thankful that God has given me a desire to follow Him no matter what circumstances He allows to come my way. I am thankful that He loves me enough to pick me up when I stumble along the way. I am thankful that my Savior knows the pain that comes from suffering and has compassion on me when my heart is breaking. Yes, my God is enough. He is more than enough.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -Romans 5:1-5 ESV